Dealing with Disappointment

Phil. 4:8-9
"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy — meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you." NKJV

I can share a personal experience with you to help you understand what disappointment can mean and also how it can affect you personally, deeper than you know.
A couple years ago when we were church planting a brand new church in San Diego , we promoted it a lot – inviting all of our family and friends. For our grand opening church service, we had over 100 people in attendance! It was a wonderful day and it turned out better than we could have expected.

My husband and I were definitely on a spiritual high, feeling victory that our church plant was going smoothly, with no problems. NOT! The following Sunday our church attendance was down to nine people - all of them being part of the team that came with us.

Needless to say, my husband seemed fine but I was disappointed. I felt defeated and it was only the second formal Sunday of our church plant! At that moment, I didn’t know how to feel. I’m sure many of you have been there - you are left with two choices; give up or move on. We chose to move forward by faith. We believe God called us to this work, and whether there is one person or 1,000 people, if God has called us we need to be obedient to Him.

Our faith kept us going. I am happy to report our church is growing and thriving. Praise the Lord! Had we quit, we would not be seeing the blessings we are now seeing. We have learned some valuable lesson through all of it.

My problem was having unrealistic expectations. I thought it would be a piece of cake to start a church plant and that it would just grow magically. I learned a valuable lesson: my expectations were not based on fact or reality, but on my own thoughts and opinions. That was a hard lesson but it opened my eyes. I realized I needed to view my situation through God's point of view, rather than my own. 1 Corinthians 3:6 says, "I planted, Apollos watered but God gave the increase." I needed to see that God was going to bring the increase in His time and not mine because His ways are not our ways. He most definitely brought the increase!

The definition for disappointment is: “The state of having a feeling or emotion of being defeated in an expectation or a hope.” Looking at this definition helps us learn how to deal with disappointment. What does this say? It's a state of having a feeling or an emotion. In what? An expectation or a hope. So here we see the root of disappointment stems from our expectations. I put together some tips on how to deal with disappointment and hope it helps you as it did me.

Re-evaluate your expectations: Are your expectations realistic? Are they based on biblical truths that help bring in the balance such as: whatsoever things are true, noble, just, lovely, etc. Or, are they un-realistic and un-biblical, setting you up for disappointment? Having expectations that are un-realistic and without a foundation from God's Word will disappoint you every time.

Be willing to drop some expectations: There are some expectations that are not worth having at all. As you look again at your situation, be honest and ask yourself if you are having an expectation that is un-biblical, selfish, or unrealistic. If so, you are only hurting yourself by keeping them and should let them go. Pray and ask God to help you see your situation through His eyes and to help you let them go if you need to.

Be flexible: Learn from your mistakes. Be willing to change your point of view about your situation into one that is realistic and balanced with scriptures that consider the good as well as the bad. Keep in mind what matters most. The word "repent" means to change your mind and go in the other direction. Pray and ask God if you need to repent and then ask God to help you drop those expectations which are keeping you down so you can move forward by faith, without being hindered or weighed down by your expectations.

One of the first exercises my husband and I give to couples in pre-marital counseling is to write down all of their expectations about the other person. Then we have them read their list out loud and then tear it up and throw the list away. People don’t like this exercise very much because it forces them to get rid of their expectations of the other person. But it is an important lesson to learn and could save them a lot of grief after they get married. We use this exercise because it is normal for every person to have an ideal spouse in their mind - what they will be like and how they will act. Those ideals can come from their upbringing, what they have learned along the way, what they see on television, or by what they have read as to what a spouse is supposed to be like and act like. They then naturally bring those expectations into their marriage and right away they become immediately disappointed when their expectations are not being met.

Unfortunately, disappointment due to unrealistic expectations happens a lot in marriage. It is much more common than people realize. These newly married people wonder why they are having arguments and problems in the first year of their marriage.

Sometimes when I counsel women who go through similar issues, I find they put expectations on others because of the way they view themselves. I tell them to not be so hard on themselves and they won’t be so hard on others. It’s a trickle-down effect that occurs when people place hard or unrealistic expectations on themselves and then will naturally place those same expectations on others.

The worst part of this scenario is when a person is working extra hard to fulfill these unrealistic expectations for themselves, they expect others to do it too, and they are constantly disappointed when others are not fulfilling their part. All the while, they themselves are suffering on the inside.

When this chain of events begins, disappointment turns into resentment and resentment will turn into bitterness, if they don't change their point of view. So in this scenario, re-evaluate your own expectations and ask yourself if they are condemning, unrealistic, and/or unbiblical. Romans 8:1 says, "There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but walk according to the spirit." Ask yourself if you need to let go of these expectations so you can be freed from your own disappointment and not place those same burdensome expectations on others.

We encourage couples to not go into their marriage carrying expectations of their spouse. Rather, we suggest they get to know and accept their spouse for who they are and work together in accomplishing their goals and dreams together, using the gifts and talents they both have.

Don’t get me wrong - we also go over the biblical roles of the husband and the roles of the wife with these couples. They are not to confuse responsibilities given by God to fulfill their role as husband or wife with “personal” expectations. It’s important to know the difference.

My husband always says, “If you don’t have expectations, you won’t be disappointed.” It’s true. We deal with our ministry the same way. It is what it is and we have to be willing to work with what we have to make it better and not focus on what it isn’t or what we don’t have, but enjoy and be blessed with what God is doing.

The only expectation we have now is that God is faithful and He will do it. It may not be how we expect Him to or when we expect Him to do it, but He does it in His perfect way and in His perfect time. His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways!

So if you are dealing with disappointment, take a moment to evaluate your expectations. Be willing to make the necessary changes to lift anything that may be keeping you down or others down. Sometimes our worst enemy is our own self. I hope these helps will give you something to work with when dealing with disappointment.

Filoiann is a Pastor's Wife, Work at Home Mom, Woman's Biblical Counselor and Bible Teacher. Her work can be found on a number of home business and Christian websites and blogs. http://www.filoiannwiedenhoff.com/